you could catch me if you wanted to
by London Romance
Summary: Unrequited Nico/Percy. "My name's Percy." And with that, everything fell. (Four glimpses into what it's like to be Nico di Angelo.)


**A/N** Every interaction between them hurts so much worse now.

blue october – chills

* * *

So far, Nico's life has been like this – no one really knew what was going on, much less Nico himself. All he knows are unlimited games and flashing lights and these heavenly cookies that just might be better than the ones his mom used to bring home from the corner bakery – slightly burnt and crunchy dark chocolate ones for him and soft and chewy oatmeal raisin for Bianca – but nothing before. It's something that bothers him, as he tries to remember his family beyond Bianca or the fuzzy images he gets of a life that feels like someone else's, but is distinctly his – but then the noise from the game he's playing tells him he only has ten seconds to save the princess and Peach ain't dying on his watch, no sir.

And one day, they get taken to school, which was probably something two kids their age should be in. But Nico doesn't question the lack of textbooks in his life because they're heavy and only good for being a very wordy battleground for his Mythomagic figurines and pristine holographic cards. They have only been at Westover Hall a couple months, but they mostly keep to themselves anyway, so it's not a huge change, except for when Nico challenges the older kids to Mythomagic duels and surprisingly holds his own and all the stupid homework they have to do now. It's really just been the two of them for as long as he can remember and Bianca can be annoying, but not extremely uncool. She tries to remember the stats for some of his favorite cards as they eat dinner together. Sometimes, he lets her have his dessert when she seems down because none of the girls she rooms with hang out with her because she's always with Nico and Nico will always be that annoying little kid who takes dueling to another level of weird.

They meander through their classes. Bianca really tries, but Nico honestly can't make sense of any of the stuff they're teaching him. Words blend together and numbers don't add up, and he knows Bianca goes through the same thing, but she actually puts in some effort. But Nico takes a special interest in history, specifically Greek myths. There were stories of gods and they punish people for every single little thing and the world was a gigantic Mythomagic board, which would have been pretty awesome. But beyond that, even the most average people could do something special and Nico thought that mortals had the best and worst luck – they saw things that gods were blind to and could change the course of history. But there was also the whole getting punished nearly all the time thing…

They have dances every so often and Nico really could not care less because girls are gross and so is actually dancing and whatever else these adults wanted them to do. All Nico ever did was wear his own clothes (not that they really differed much from his uniform because they didn't have a lot of opportunities to go shopping running from suspiciously monstrous-looking bus drivers before they got to Westover) and played Mythomagic while listening to terrible music and Bianca complaining that he took this game too seriously as she half-heartedly threw cards out as they played their seventh match that night.

Nico gave up on teaching Bianca to the finer points of Mythomagic, so he shuffled his cards over and over because battling Bianca was the same as battling any other starter noob.

Before he knew it, Doctor Thorn grabbed them and Nico loses like a quarter of his deck in the process and _does he have any idea how much time and money that cost_, but mostly he was pretty scared because Thorn was muttering about how much he'll get such high praise from someone called The General for capturing these two dimwit demiwhatsits. Bianca looked more terrified than Nico had ever seen her before. She clutched his hand and dug her fingernails into his skin, but at least he knew she was still here in this dark hallway they were probably going to die in.

Thorn stopped in his tracks. "Stay here," he hissed and freed them of his death grip on their shirt collars. And okay, Nico was definitely scared now because neither he nor Bianca made a run for it because they knew if they did, it would be ten times worse for them. Thorn went off and lurked in the shadows.

Then Nico heard another pair of feet coming down the hall and saw the glint of what looked like a sword. The person came closer, but Nico couldn't really tell if they were here to save or end them because it's dark and he just shook more because this is how it ends, seriously, with a freakin' sword slicing him in half like some magic trick.

"It's okay. I'm not going to hurt you." Nico thinks this is a guy, a little older than Bianca, based on his voice. He is inclined to believe the guy is probably telling the truth, though they really have no other options so that may just be some crazy hope he has. He then saw Thorn creeping out of the shadows and Nico couldn't find the opportunity to warn the guy, even if the guy's at least armed and probably their only chance of getting out of this without their faces on milk cartons or in caskets. "My name's Percy. I'm going to take you out of here, get you somewhere safe."

And for a second, Nico believes him because someone came to _save_ them and they have a _chance_. Bianca somehow found a way of telling Percy that Thorn is _right there_ because Percy swiveled around, Thorn threatened them once more, took Percy's sword and well, they're doomed.

Until they aren't. Because in the five second window Percy had to introduce himself to the di Angelos, he neglected to mention that he kicks some serious butt. Nico could only look in awe as Percy parried and blocked Thorn's attacks, who happened to be a manticore. If Nico wasn't in the business of nearly dying, he probably would have said that manticores were just as ugly and terrifying as Mythomagic depicted.

Other kids come out and help Percy fend Thorn off, some of them being girls in shiny parkas with really good aim. Bianca looks just as terrified as she did before, but Nico cannot get enough. Monsters were real and sometimes they were terrible teachers on the side. These guys had awesome weapons and Nico could not help but wonder if this was just a big reenactment of something out of the Mythomagic roleplaying game that he didn't know about. He doesn't even try to pretend like he isn't genuinely excited anymore, even with the almost-dying part.

Eventually, they get rid of Thorn, but one of the girls went with him – Annabeth was her name, Nico learned, as Percy insisted that he jump after them. This guy seemed to have a real issue connecting falling off of cliffs with dying.

Bianca demanded all these strangers who simultaneously put them in danger and saved their lives give them an explanation about what the heck is going on. They learn that they are half-bloods and need to go to a camp to train. Nico wants to jump out of his skin. Did this mean he would fight monsters all the time, with cool weapons and abilities? Bianca kept shushing him, saying that this isn't like his dumb game, but what does she know – it totally is and this is going to be _awesome_ because he already knows several monsters' weak points and which gods have the best powers and if could just talk to Artemis about how to improve her arrows' damage count…

But apparently all the grown-ups (and Bianca) want to talk about boring stuff, so Artemis tells him to teach Grover how to play Mythomagic, which he can _definitely_ do. They end up in a snowy clearing and Grover plays a song on his pipes that melts the snow around two logs with a boulder between them so that they have somewhere to play.

"That is so _cool_!" Nico bounds over to one of the logs and starts taking his figurines out. "I call Zeus!"

"No fair!" Grover indignantly stomps one of his hooves into the snow, but there's a smile on his face. He takes the seat opposite Nico. "You always get the Big Three. Well, the Big Two, since you don't have all of them."

"My cards, my rules." Nico smirks as they continue claiming the rest of the Olympians.

Nico actually thought Grover was pretty cool even before he found out he was half-goat. He was the next new kid after the di Angelos arrived, so they helped him out of some of the hazing the other kids put him through. He was one of the only people who would talk to them and he never got bored of talking about Mythomagic, which always good in Nico's book.

Nico is deciding his next move when Percy comes over, looking slightly more than annoyed. Percy stares at their game, as Grover takes the time to patch him up. Nico abandons his cards to observe Grover's handiwork.

"It's green!" he says delightfully before Grover hastily covers Percy's wound with a bandage. Percy turns his attention from his arm to Nico and nearly jumps. Nico is much closer than he was before. His smile is never-ending. "Are you really the son of Poseidon?"

Percy looks a little caught off-guard, but he obliges Nico. "Well, yeah."

Nico stares at him in reverence. "So does that mean you can surf really well?"

Grover tries (and very spectacularly fails at) to smother his laugh.

"Jeez, Nico. I never really tried…" Percy rubbed the back of his neck with his good arm.

"All done," Grover said, handing Percy an ambrosia square. "I'm going to check if any of the Hunters needed help with anything."

Percy snorts and takes a small bite.

"Shut up," Grover mutters, turning red all the way to his horns. He runs towards a group of already disinterested-looking Hunters.

Nico grabs Percy's attention again. "Hey, can I see the sword you were using?"

Percy swallows. "Yeah, sure." Percy explains how his sword works, turning it back and forth from pen to sword and Nico looks so into it, he can't help doing it a few more times and going into detail about Riptide's specs. It amuses Nico way too much and he looks so interested, like it's still soaking in that the card game he loved had turned into his life. After a while, Percy caps his sword and sheaves it. "So, do you want to know its damage count?" Percy chuckled.

Nico blushed and remembered how Bianca scolded him for saying things without thinking all the time. "No, I'm okay," he muttered, suddenly very interested in his shoes' imprints in the snow.

Percy gave him a sheepish smile. "It's okay. If this game was around before, I probably would've been even more into it than you are."

Nico finally looks up at him and rolls his eyes. "Doubt it. You guys get to do this stuff all the time. You don't need a dumb game to play pretend to."

"Well, I've actually only known I was a demigod for two years. Trust me, it's better that you didn't know who you really were before we got here. Monsters come after you more when you know."

"What am I? Who are my parents?" Because despite being pushed out of every discussion, Nico knows that they haven't really explained anything at all, at least in the context of Stuff Nico Should Know About Himself.

"Half human and half god, pretty much. Either your mom or dad was probably one of the gods or goddesses in your collection. Since you guys are orphans, we won't really know until we get you to camp. The gods are…busy, so it might take a while, but you'll be claimed by one of them." Percy sounded a little unsure, which worried Nico because honestly, he's so used to not belonging anywhere that having another place reject him isn't his idea of fun. "But in the meantime, we'll train you to deal with monsters. You'll meet other campers too and get to do typical camp stuff, like spar and do chariot races and roast marshmallows and even go on quests. Sound good?"

"Sounds great." Nico had brightened considerably by the end of Percy's speech. Anything beat military school, obviously, but camp sounded like it would be everything he wished he could act out from his games.

Percy smiled at him and nodded towards Nico's collection. "So, you have to tell me who the best god is in this game."

"Oh, that's _easy_. I mean, I prefer Ares because he has unlimited health for three rounds and that really helps against some of the enemies but for just raw power, you should-"

"Percy Jackson," the medieval-sounding girl with great aim called. She was suddenly standing over Percy and Nico, and Nico flinched. "Come with me. Lady Artemis wishes to speak to thee."

Percy turns to Nico. "Tell me later?" Nico nods furiously as Percy stands up, following the girl into the silver tent.

Nico buries himself in his jacket and smiles as he picks up his cards. Maybe he ought to rethink his strategy. Poseidon wasn't so bad after all…

* * *

And then there was hiding, while other people were concerned with prophecies and the end of the world, and maybe Nico has considered being a part of both.

He spends a lot of time finding ways to blame all the wrongs of the world on Percy Jackson. There's a small part of him that breaks every time he does because there are heroes and then there is Percy Jackson.

He is every bit the stuff of myths and legends – all courage, quick thinking, and clever swordplay. Nico is pretty sure he's saved the world enough times to earn the privilege of hating it and everyone in it. Percy could stop and leave the hero business to someone else, and they could save themselves for once instead of depending on him all the stuff.

But he doesn't.

Percy is hopeful and bright and stupidly brave. He's smart when you least expect it and kinder than you know. He has a knack for making friends, even with people he's supposed to hate or whom others tend to avoid. He's loyal to a fault and he thinks the world should be his burden instead of walking away like any sane person would do. Percy is the kind of guy Nico would have probably read about time and time again if he didn't using his history books as Mythomagic battlegrounds – someone who gives up having his own life to save everyone else's.

(Nico also spent a lot of time bitterly admiring Percy. When his thoughts shift to Percy yet again, he finds the twist of his gut sad and a little wistful because if he's honest, he blames himself most of all.)

Nico knows not everyone can be saved, but out of all people, Bianca had to be on the losing side. He's not sure if he'd call the living side the victor, at least the way Nico lives, because he just spends all of his time with people who have lost everything anyway. That's where he feels most comfortable. He tries not to think about it too much. But there's more time to think out here. He doesn't try to keep track of the days anymore because it didn't matter much. There was Before and After, and After felt so much longer…

There are times where he feels like Nico di Angelo – a boy who has lost the last person he cared about and who cared about him, ran away from camp with tears in eyes for stretches of miles because Percy promised, he promised and promises are lies and Percy is a fucking lie. Everyone told him all these stories, that Percy stood up to gods and even brought people back to life and saved the world and he saved Nico and Bianca once and why wasn't he the hero he was supposed to be when Bianca and Nico needed it the most.

Then there are times Nico feels like he could be someone like Percy, but what Percy _should_ be – fearless to the point of too willing for a fight, not afraid to push too hard, and fight the impossible. Nico thinks he could be greater than the son of Poseidon dreamt and everyone could rely on him instead, but this line of thought doesn't go far before Nico realizes he doesn't want anything but his sister back and to not see his life reflected in these dumb cards he used to care about so much that are now waiting to be ashes.

Minos appears and interrupts his thoughts. "Master," he said, bowing gracefully.

Nico acknowledges him before his eyes drift back to the cards currently smoldering in the fire. Minos takes a seat next to him and they sit there for some time, at the edge of the Styx, watching Nico's previous pride and joy go up in smoke.

Nico finally speaks up. "I've been thinking of your offer."

Minos is silent.

"I've decided that…Bianca deserves to have a family more than I do. She was way happier with…" Nico's knuckles are white as he digs his fingers into his now-bony knees. "…with the Hunters than she ever was as a sister to me. I believe my soul should be more than sufficient for our plan."

"I don't believe that is wise," Minos said quickly.

"Why not?" he asked indignantly because damn it, he's the one who brought Minos back and a hundred others even without meaning to, and Bianca is _never_ among them. He has tried everything, except this.

"It's not like _he_ interfered when Bianca died. He could have easily remedied that if he cared about her as much as he claims he does." _As much as he doesn't care about Nico_.

"There is much more at stake here than you realize. Your father does not personally deal with every soul who comes through here. He controls the dead, not the living. We are attempting a little of both. He will eventually collect your soul when the time is right. It would be best if we found someone who has cheated Death more than they should have, someone Death is eager to claim." Minos leaves Nico to his thoughts for a moment before quietly continuing. "Your sister's death was most unjust…and who is responsible?"

Nico wrinkles his nose and turns his gaze to the ground. Minos continues, "Does it not make sense for the '_hero_' to fall, the one who guaranteed the safety of your sister and did not deliver on his promise? Would it be the greatest disservice to the world if Percy Jackson was not there to save the day?"

Nico suddenly stands and cards fall out of his hands. "Get out."

"Master-"

"I said, _go_!" Nico swiftly raises his arm with a manic look in his eye. The ground quakes and a fissure appears, growing larger until Minos is sucked into it with one last, hard look at Nico.

Nico is panting and has sweat trickling down his forehead when he finally lowers his arm and falls back into his seat, clutching his head in his hands. He hadn't lashed out like that since those skeletons attacked him and Percy at camp. Minos had taught him of the true extent of his powers when they met in the Labyrinth and Nico mostly had them under control. He usually avoided big attacks like that because they drained him and the results were unpredictable. But Minos had gone too far.

Percy would have been the most obvious choice to seek revenge upon, but Nico never considered sacrificing Percy. There was a small part of him that knew why and he tended to keep that part stored away until night washed over and the loneliness sank in and Minos went off and did whatever ghosts did in their spare time. He would lay down, his jacket as his pillow, watching the fire. He let the memories go through him like spirits, leaving him cold and numb despite the roaring fire right next to him. A chill fell over him as he closed his eyes.

_Someone had put their hand on his shoulder, reassuring him that everything would be all right. He shook it off and glared at its owner before stalking off. Bianca's eyes turned sad as he walked away, like he didn't understand how much good being separated would be for the both of them. They always had each other. They always only had each other. Maybe she thought he got tired of her watching his every move. Either way, Nico didn't care. She had abandoned _him_. Why wasn't he allowed to walk away too?_

He grimaced and let a quiet sob wrack his body. He couldn't even remember the last words he said to her…

Nico shifts again.

_Percy and Nico are walking in the snow and Nico vaguely thinks that he hates everyone as skeleton warriors ascend upon them. Because it wasn't enough that his sister was dead and he could feel every single move she made now if he really tried and that his nightmares foretold this ages ago. It just twists the knife. The most honest and terrible truth was that Nico had hope, and that hope was Percy and he can't imagine letting that go. Even now, as Percy draws his sword and shouts for Nico to run as the enemy advances on them, he's terrified but also a little numb because he's still thinking, _What was there to worry about with Percy at his side? _He also feels like running, leaving Percy to his own defenses as the outcome starts to look a little dimmer._

_But he can't._

_Percy deserves a lot of things, but somewhere Nico knows that Bianca wanted this. She wanted him and the others to live and a big part of Nico wants the same. He yells, nearly commands, the skeleton soldiers to go away. And they obey._

_He feels exhausted and broken and Percy is looking at him strangely, like something has just nearly clicked. But as Percy reaches out for Nico, Nico avoids his touch and feels rage in every fiber._

"_Go away! I hate you! I wish you were dead!" _

_And he wishes it were true as he runs away._

Nico opened his eyes and finds the fire dying and the sky as fiercely red as ever. His cheeks are caked with dried tears, his eyes are puffy and he rolls on his side, curling up and clutching his middle. He allows himself a moment of composure, but just as quickly, he gives up on saving face and lets the tears fall.

He cries for Bianca and all the lives she could've led, all the things she did not have a chance to do, and all the things Nico would have told her, had he known. He cries for Percy and the vain hope Nico holds that Percy will show up one day and apologize even more than he already has. But mostly, he cries for himself because of all the hate he carries, most of it centered around him and his stupidity, as every night since he left ends like this. Because of all the people in the world that Nico had to let in, he had given Percy the only thing he had left, and that was the irrevocable privilege of constantly breaking Nico's heart and Nico not minding it at all.

* * *

Once again, Nico wonders if anything in his life will turn out how he wants it to. He's driven everyone away and it doesn't hurt at all because this is exactly what he wanted. But when it comes down to it, his wants are things he tells himself he needs – stuff like having time to process what the hell happened that winter, what has happened his entire _life_. He should be angry with his dad but he's just too tired to do much of anything anymore. Every time he gets a little taste of what things going his way feels like, it instantly turns on him.

Of course, he had to lie to Percy. Of course, he had to do things his father's way. Of course, this all turned to shit (quite rapidly).

If he had any other choice, he still questioned whether he would have done it differently. Maybe this was the only way Nico _wanted_ to find out about his mom. He needed to hear something, _anything_, from his dad. He was the only one who could tell Nico something about his mom that wouldn't be covered in the library (which Nico had already searched exhaustively, pouring over tomes and online databases) – her favorite color, what made her smile, what made her fall in love…

But even though he knew his dad would find some way to hold all the cards, Nico held onto the vain hope that maybe his father would stay true to his word. After all, what harm could _talking_ to Percy do?

_Obviously a lot_, he sighs as he collapses in his bed. Nico runs his hands over his face and keeps them over his mouth so that he couldn't break anything else with more of the brilliant ideas that seemed to escape from between the spaces of his teeth and sanity. Conversations with his father always ended in regret, whether Nico faced it head-on or collected it later so that he'd have something to think about when he spent endless nights in his room, turning thoughts over in his head, filling up on hate, so fast and full. Usually, he'd mull over his tragic ability to turn everything he touched into complete shit by watching the River Styx flow through his father's domain, but he had retreated to his room tonight. Hopes and dreams always manifested themselves as physical objects when people crossed over. Even shed tears somehow found a way to turn a person's life they never had into something – baby rattles, blank photo albums, wedding rings. But every so often, Nico would find that his own regrets had made it into the river. How, he didn't know, as he had managed staying alive pretty well (especially for a demigod), but he supposed it was part of being Hades' son (and also a bit insane). He would hold his breath as he recognized the black hair and green eyes smiling at him in a photograph with curling edges that never took place. The boy had an arm around Nico, eyes crinkled as he laughed while Nico looked red and absolutely mortified that this was actually happening. Still, he was smiling.

And Nico wonders if this photo is from a different reality that he could have lived in, a time where Maria di Angelo was a painter. Where she liked painting things that weren't necessarily dead, but not altogether alive - fruits, unsuspecting tired eyes on the subway - because she finds the subjects easier to please. Where Nico was introduced to the underlying Greek side of the world with a little more subtlety, and maybe even made a few friends despite his ability to turn people away. Percy could have been his friend. Percy could have been more. Maybe he wouldn't have even met Percy. Maybe he could've been the hero. Maybe alternate reality-Nico wanted that. Maybe his mom would send him dark chocolate biscotti and oatmeal raisin cookies for Bianca. Maybe…maybe there would have been a note for his sister, telling her to keep Nico out of trouble because you know how he gets. And maybe Bianca would have never joined the hunters and she would be sitting with Nico at dinner, while they shared the treats from their mom. Hades would still be distant (not even another reality could change that), but maybe Nico wouldn't be such a disappointment. He could be someone – anyone he wanted to be…

Nico buries his head in his pillow. Sometimes he thinks too much.

* * *

To be fair, as a son of Hades, he could've been a lot worse.

It's not like dad entertained a lot of company down in hell, so like his father, Nico had being unsocial down pat. So when people try to take conversations on the Argo II beyond the context of where they are, where they're going, or if they're in danger, he just can't be bothered. Distancing himself was what he was best at. He is too comfortable in silence, too content with leaving without warning. He learned the hard way that no one even noticed when he was gone so he never had to anyone to say good-bye to.

Nico doesn't mind everyone else really. They've been really nice to him so far, saving him from that stupid jar namely. But the dynamics on this ship was pretty much a condensed version of camp. Everyone already had their own groups and was paired up, and it's a dance Nico knows well because he's always been on the fringes. But now he has Hazel, who isn't Bianca, but she is someone he can rely on that has the same strange faraway look, so aged and beyond the present but trying to make the best of stolen time, so he's just a little grateful to his dad.

He ends up going into Italy with Frank and Hazel and the conversation turns to the topic of Nico himself and this is exactly what he tries to avoid when he goes off on his own all the time, even finding places on the ship no one occupies purposefully, he thought they got the hint. But he knows Frank means well and Hazel is always going on about how everyone really cares about him, so why not. He tells Frank what little he knows about his mom and his life in Italy.

"My mom met Hades here, back in the 1930s. As World War II got closer, she fled to the U.S. with my sister and me. I mean…Bianca, my other sister." He shakes his head. None of them knew Bianca and they all thought Hazel was his only sister. There's a burning in his chest as that settles in, but he's quick to recover and continue. "I don't remember much about Italy, but I can still speak the language…"

He hopes that's enough for Frank and they can just continue on stuff that's actually relevant because talking about Bianca hurts like hell.

"Must've been hard on your mom. I guess we'll do anything for someone we love," Frank says.

Nico looks at the ground and tries not to think of how small his world really is. There was Bianca, and then there was Percy. He remembered how he worshipped them both – Bianca for her strength and selflessness, her kindness a crutch that he relied on time and time again; Percy for his courage and determination, for being the hero even when no one else would. But Bianca grew tired of being strong and she left him for another family, one that could catch her when she fell better than her ten year old brother ever could.

But Percy…he was the first demigod he had ever seen take a stand for them and the only one who ever took an interest in him, the dumb ten year old he was and still kind of is if he reaches deep down. He remembers four years ago, when he thought Percy was invincible. "_I owe everything to Percy_, _Percy is a hero, Percy will come through_... _Percy is going to make sure Bianca is safe and if there was anyone who could…" _ Nico had blindly trusted Percy all too much. The only thing that had changed between then and now was that Percy had earned Nico's trust tenfold and Nico had broken Percy's and earned it back more than he deserved.

Nico could have brushed this wayside comment off just like he did whenever anyone noticed his lingering stares or the intense need he had to defend Percy, but even so, he couldn't help himself.

"Yeah," he said finally, bitterness seeping into him. "I guess we will."


End file.
